Saturday, April 26, 2008

Yesterday (Friday) was one of the very worst days in my recovery. I spent a large part of the day in tears (cue: sobs), aggression (to the point I had to get out of the house or felt I'd begin smashing things about...maybe even people! was very scary), shakes that meant I was dropping things and losing my footing...and of course the lack of sleep continues. I felt very fragile.

I decided to head out and over to our daughter's (B's) house where I was pretty certain there would be lots of hugs and cuddles waiting for nana. And there was! I think children have a special awareness/sense of when someone needs tenderness. First my grandaughter (4 yr. old Iona) came to the door all dressed up in her "princess" outfit and had a grin from ear to ear when she realized who was coming to visit....and then clung to me and hugged and kissed. It was soooo good. And close on her heels was little Nathaniel (15 months) who tugged at my pant legs until I picked him up (cue: head wedged on nana's left shoulder and snuggled in for lots of cuddles straight away).

Brenda went to the school to pick up the two eldest grandsons (Josh 7yrs. & Matty 6 yrs.) and they came charging into the house and were full of hugs too. What a gift my grandchildren are to me every day...and especially on a not-so-good Friday for their nana. I am blessed.

I also got rid of my aggression by helping Brenda to declutter her kitchen (inbetween hugs of course)...and I returned home in time to prepare us a nice dinner.

I was even nasty to hubby on my return home and ended up having to apologize through my tears. I love than man of mine....I'm not too sure sometimes about liking him though. It was, you guessed it, one of those times! He has a habit of calling me "mother" and occasionally it just gets to me...yep, yesterday it did, BIG TIME. I retorted with his motherly greeting to me when he was enquiring when dinner would be ready that..."I'm not your bl**dy mother....I'm your wife"!!! He was stunned, I was stunned! Did I really say that???? Yet it's something I've been bottling up for years and I am having great issues at the moment with feeling an equal with hubby....self-esteem issues big time, I guess. And hearing myself addressed as "Mother" while preparing dinner on an already stressed day....well I blew my stack! The making up was nice though! I know hubby is finding all of this as bewildering and as fraught as I am....and add into that the mix of retirement, selling up our business etc......well I think it's inevitable we'll both be stressed.

So, today is another day. I am already jittery as I prepare to go downstairs to our shop for a bit of work. I have determined my difficulties in being in our shop are definitely related to the panic/anxiety/tears greatly increase once I begin to serve customers and deal with the till. easy solutions.

All will be well. All manner of things will be well....I have to believe it will be so.

Labels: , ,


At 2:10 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jacquie - sounds like a scary time but I'm so glad your daughter's home was a refuge for you. Even though it was tough, I'm glad you voiced your frustrations. In the end I think it will help to bring new understanding in your relationships. Love you my friend!


Post a Comment

<< Home